Angry?

Am I angry right now? Yes a little, it's an uncomfortable feeling, don't like it. How did I get angry? Frankly I think it's because I lack common sense, but I don't think all of it is my fault, there where two in the argument.

Don't know what is my fucking problem? I miss initiative. I know all my defects and my bad deed, all the things I hate about me, I know them all but still, can't seem to change the way my thought process works.

I... well, don't want this emotion any longer but know not how to cast it out, cast it away from me, have no clue what will be the outcome if I speak my mind again, will I get even madder? Will everything be solved? And fuck, I already know the bloody answer, if I don't talk I will still feel uncomfortable, so I'll go ahead and open my mouth any way... The consequences are the product of one's actions, and not saying anything will also have it's consequences, so...

I feel like I'm always going on circles inside my head, redundant, I'm sad to admit that I am a very square person, now don't take me wrong I feel like I am very open minded in a lot of topics, laid back, but when I get an idea of how things should be like, then, that's how things should be, when they are not my mind doesn't flex, in fact, when I think something I get so fixated on an idea that my memory bends thing so I remember that instead of the fact, the "real one" and not the idealized version.

Well I feel calmer now, I also know the reply I will get, I think it will be silence and a snarky remark, making me feel bad. Don't know why but I will feel everybody is out to get me, to point out my wrong doings, to judge me even; and when they do I don't take it nicely. I feel like "hey I don't point out your faults, don't come pissing on my parade". I hide me under flaky excuses, the worst part of it is that I become a flaky person, because I am never me, then who am I. Who the fuck am I? If I quiet everything inside me, but when I let it out I don't feel like a good person. The moral kicks in, and I hate apologizing for things I did feel but have to say I'm sorry so that I don't hurt the other party involved, because I care for them and I want for them to like me, love me or even respect me, maybe not bending over so much will help for that, but first I have to control me, see there I go again, hiding. Well enough for now, I've ranted what seems to me for hours.